It’s been some time since we published our hugely popular post Marrying a Chef? What you need to know before you say ” I do.” It was the cheeky insider perspective of the private lives of chefs and it came from the point of view of the chef in the relationship. Most of you actually got that it was humourous in a dry sense. Even just a tad. But alas, there was the errant 2 per cent who really thought my dear husband was nothing short of an arse and pitied me for such bad treatment. Whoa.
I have had some ladies ask me in desperation just how to cope with life as the wife so I will respond in real terms woman to woman. Much of what I have to say can be applied to other workers in the hospitality and F&B industries, though chefs are a bit on the extreme end. I always have some of the best Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee beans in my cupboard, so join me for a cup as I finally share my perspective as the wife…
- Everything he said was brutally honest. He knew I could take it and I edited it for Pete’s sake so if I was not in agreement, there would be hell to pay.
- You need other safe outlets. Find at least one really close confidante, preferably family or a friend who is like family. You will need someone in your corner when the going gets rough and who will believe you when you share your side of a story that sounds more like a tall tale than reality. A good friend will also be up with you when you are lonely and give you a shoulder when you need one – which could be very often in the initial stages.
- It is hard. Then it gets harder. You get adjusted and it gets even more difficult than you ever thought possible. Good chefs are married to their work first. Likely it was his passion for his work that attracted you in the first place but that comes at a huge price – lots of sacrifice of self into the work. The worst part is that every time you kind of get used to it and think you have finally gotten used to the life, something happens to test your balance. But that’s life isn’t it? Those curve balls seem to come one after the other sometimes. Nonetheless, I do believe that the job does make normal life situations much more difficult to handle. Marriage is work for every (honest) couple but it becomes excruciatingly hard work when one party is always absent and too tired when present – amounting to absence just the same. Call your friend and cry it out.
- People will think you bought yourself a ring and put it on your own finger. Mine has been called the phantom husband in my circles by friends who have only heard of but never seen him. I show up to events alone 99.9% of the time. Except for when I got pregnant. That was certainly a welcome change to have him take me to every appointment and join me for every class – a huge improvement to being left at church halfway during our wedding rehearsal for the sake of work. Learn to find the silver lining. At least he was there all day for the wedding.
- No matter how fiercely independent you are, it is sometimes still a very lonely life for the wife who spends many hours killing time alone or parenting solo. You could be the rock of Gibraltar, it is going to get to you sometimes, as it has me. But thank God for the bigger picture. You know the questions you asked yourself when you had wedding jitters? Is he/she a good person? Can I live with him/her for the rest of my life? Am I ready? Why am I doing this? They still apply and sometimes you find yourself sitting quietly alone on the one night you needed company, asking yourself those questions. Just be true to yourself no matter what.
- Children make it EVEN harder. We love our children with every ounce of our being, but parenting is hands down the most difficult job known to man. Screw the kitchen, make a baby and you will see. It is the ultimate game changer in every marriage and chef marriages are particularly vulnerable due to the hours and demands of the chef’s job. No matter how involved the chef tries to be, you will feel like a single parent because you are the go-to for at least 16 out of every 24 hour day. I cannot put into words how challenging it is even for the world’s most doting supermom of the world’s happiest baby. You have to live it to feel it.
- Another stressor is the expatriate chef family. In the absence of solid family support, there is a lot that is left on the trailing spouse. If you can, encourage your family and friends to visit often or have one family member live with you during the early childhood period or if possible, consider getting a nanny (even part time) to take even one of your double shifts. It will make a huge difference in your quality of life as you will have more energy and be less grumpy.
- Fight for romantic time together. Every couple needs time together to communicate and refuel and it is even more critical when time is extremely limited. I have found that I stay up for my chef because I would never see him otherwise. Go on dates when possible, but if not, put the children to bed and sit with a glass of wine and play some jazz or put on a movie. When vacation time comes around, live it up like there is no tomorrow and go for experiences that will give you great memories for a lifetime. You will also want to bank them up for those moments when you question if you made the right choice.
- You will both have to make career sacrifices when children come for the greater good of the family. After a while this may cause some resentment so be sure to talk about this periodically and work out a plan that suits you both. This may result in one person being there for the family while the other pushes full steam ahead to provide and you can take turns as to who will take what role. Do what is best for your family. As a trailing spouse I have given up many jobs to support my husband but as a career woman, I cannot give up working. It’s important to me, even if I have to do it selectively and mostly from home.
- If you married for all the right reasons and are truly compatible, then there is a lot of space for a whole lot of love and happiness even in the cramped space of a chef’s life. Somehow when time is limited, you learn to prioritise and make the best of it. Simple things like a few extra minutes talking before bed or eating an ordinary everyday meal together become life’s most precious and prized gifts. That’s when you are not too tired or upset with it all. Sometimes you will see the emptiness of the half full glass but most times, try to acknowledge the contents of it. You will need the extra space when it overflows with blissful wonder and excitement.
- It is a life of passion and extremes. A wild ride for the partner who is open to adventure and willing to take the ups with the downs. You can have some of your most enriching life experiences if you put in the work first. It’s like a great gourmet meal… all the work goes into the preparation up front. Get to know your chef up front. Having a firm foundation in a solid friendship will be the thing that will save the whole structure of buckling under enormous pressure when the going gets tough.
- Live in the moment. Whatever it comes, take it. Feel it. Own it. Live it. It’s your moment. Sometimes it immense joy, sometimes acute loneliness, others just the numbness of the limbo that lies between. Just breathe. You will get through it. I certainly have thus far. So for the lady who asked me in desperation if it ever gets better- my short answer is- yes, there is hope. Would I do it again if I got a “do over?” In a heartbeat!
You may find Kerilyn Russo’s life coaching for women married to chefs useful. She too is Married to a Chef and they just had a baby so she brings a level of personal experience to her job.
AMEN sista. *And GET OUT OF MY HEAD to numbers 5 & 6. From one new mama to another, it is HARD when he’s working 12-14 hour days.
Kerilyn, I am happy you identify. I have since added more points because on further reading I felt I was leaving out somethings.
I love this! #6 – you have to live it to feel it! Absolutely! I am there with you!! I think it’s a bit easier now that we are past the baby stage and I can sleep through the night. Although now we’re on to the kids talking CONSTANTLY stage – fun! Thanks for being honest! So glad to know I’m not alone. 🙂
Jennifer, you are certainly not alone. Mine loves to babble and coo and it is music to my ears, except for when I really, really, really need to get some sleep. I think somewhere along the line I will have to evolve into a sound sleeper.
If you figure out the sound sleeping part, please let me know what worked. I can’t seem to master that one! 🙂
Neither can I- wishful thinking!
Your husband’s post made me smile as it could have been our llife…. And I have totally related to all your comments. We’ve been married 10 years this may with a beautiful and rounded 9 year old daughter. It’s not been easy and yep it can be lonely at Times but its been great fun. I’m looking forward to the next chapter and whatever comes along.
Very well said Jenny. It is a mixed bag and you have just the right attitude to help you live your best life!
A beautiful and heartfelt sharing.
Thank you for reading Rebekah. We women have to engage each other truthfully and not just with the fluff we want others to believe.
Wow. I just made a joke that I was a widow with regard to my husbands hours. Then here comes this blog saving the day (and killing time until he’s done with brunch) thank you. It is hard. In our two year marriage we have traveled from NYC to Florida and back, freelanced and started our own catering company. I couldn’t believe how little money I made on my tax statement last year until I realized that I had stopped working mainly to be his back office staff (I used to work in fine dining for 4 years myself so I understand) booking and counting receipts and all the like. None of my girlfriends really get it. Its good to see an online community that loves sacrificing for their men as much as I do. In the time we’ve been together I’ve managed to take up yoga, meet new friends and rekindle with my art. I hate to see him go but this is our life. So it will be. Namaste!
wow. found this thru the ‘should i marry a chef’ post which i found to be completely accurate and now this. thank you for letting me know i’m not actually losing my mind!
I feel the same!
I loved both these articles. I have been married for 30 years, have three grown children (whose birthdays ALL had only one parent attend, cup finals, dance comps … All just me) emigrated to Australia, no family ….So we opened a restaurant when they were 2,5,&9 and 20 years later still growing strong. All three children worked there through their teens, which gave them a good perspective on what NOT to do in life!
It was the only way to see him! Brilliant review of life with a chef. If you are contemplating marrying one you need to read this and know it’s all true!
(I did laugh at his $$$ spend when he shops – used to drive me nuts!)
I was married 19 yrs to well known Executive Chef Klaus Albert Mayr..The best time of my lfe we have 2 kids he Die 1976 If I ask me if I say ‘I do”again? yes!! I do!! now he is gone I`m very proud of my self I never ever stop him of what he love, hes passion..ben a chef.. God bless this working mans…(((A Pride wife))) like the say..we never know what we have till is gone..
Sorry Klaus Albert Mayr die in 1996, not 1976..my bad (cry)
Thank you so much for this!!
We’ve been married for 14 years and have 4 children. The kids get excited when dad can make it to a hockey game, or a recital… “Normal” people just don’t understand why dad isn’t there. That is until the once or twice a year when he sacrifices his days off to so I can entertain.
It’s worth it though.
Spot. On. Married to a chef/general manager for 10 years in August. Any chance you could write something on how to CLEARLY explain his life and work to friends and family? I still have people who don’t grasp that his “weekends” aren’t the traditional “weekends” and seem offended when he can’t make a gathering on a Friday or Saturday evening. Really?
My husband posted both articles yesterday on Facebook. He also is a chef. And right on the money for everything!!! Our difference is though he became a chef after we got married and after begging for babies (we now have a 22 and 5 month old) so every now and then my anger gets the best of me. It’s not exactly what I signed up for. But love that he has found his place in life. Glad to know I’m not alone! Thanks!
Amen to that
Thank you so much for sharing this. I will be married for 3 years in August to my husband who is a chef. We have a 20 month year old son as well. Lately we have hit some bumps in the road due to the long hours he works. After reading both blogs a light bulb has clicked and made things a little more clear. I am glad to know I’m not alone. He is truly such a dedicated chef and working his way up the ladder. I commend all chefs out there for busting their butts day in and out. I also give credit to wives/mothers to hold everything together. #12 is something that I am definitely going to live by and I am holding on tight for the ride of a lifetime with my husband and son. This blog truly is spot on! I enjoyed reading both husband and wife sides.
I loved reading both your side and your husbands side. Sometimes it feels like no one can really understand our situation, it feels like if I talk about how hard his chef job can be on our relationship it comes off like I’m whining. This post and his….it was like all my thoughts plus some being penned down. We aren’t married yet but we will be and this gave me a lot to think on. Thank you so much for sharing.
Glad we could help, Ruth.
I enjoyed both sides of this blog. I have been married to a incredibly talented chef for 3 years now and we have been together for 9 years. Moved NUMEROUS times to follow his career. I finally put my foot down and said that its time to settle down. I could not keep moving every year or so, and doing it alone! I also happened to find the best job that I have ever had and was not about to give it up. One thing that I have not read on any blogs that I have read about being married to a chef is whether or not they partake in the after hours partying on a regular basis. I think you all know what I am talking about. Most restaurants have the “gang” that hangs out and throws a few back before heading home. This is one aspect that has me harboring resentment. When our time is SOOOO limited together, it is very difficult to know that he chose to spend another hour with those that he just worked with for 15 hours rather than get home before I have to go to bed just to see each others faces. His response is always that he figured I would already be in bed and he would rather wind down with them than sit home alone. I agree that spouses of a chef must be very independent people, which I am, have been since I was a kid, but I am now 43 and my needs are changing. I don’t want to grow old alone. I don’t want to be my husbands maid, secretary, mother and everything other than being his wife! That is truly how I feel. I always lean on my parents (whom live in another state) for support but hey…. they aren’t always going to be there for me. I don’t even feel that he is interested in OUR lives in the least. Funny though, because after reading the first blog, it was like my husband wrote every point on there. I know he loves me, I have no doubt in that but I have become this individual that he shares all of the negatives of his day with because he has to be “Positive all day at work”. Honestly…. I think he is just burnt out and I am dealing with a different scenario than many of you. He just doesn’t seem happy being an executive chef nor did he when he was exec sous, so I am left feeling as though I am supporting someone to work 80 hours a week for something they don’t even like! Then when they are home they are not only exhausted, in pain, but just plain miserable on top of it all. Date night…. unheard of! Any fun in the bedroom… unheard of. The guy is so tired and I am so turned off by feeling like a maid, secretary and mother that it just never happens.
CRAZY though….. I love him like mad and just hope and pray that he will either find a position that brings him joy (and hopefully less hours) or can open his eyes to a new path for himself. I keep thinking how if he found another job (possibly still to do with cooking) that allowed him to work less hours, he would then have his time opened up to use his culinary skills for fun and possibly to make money for us, and not for a restaurant owner. Maybe he could bottle his own sauces and soups? maybe he could start a part time catering company? I don’t know I am just throwing out random thoughts.
thanks for being here….. 🙂 Feels good just to get out of my head and in black and white.
Heidi
Heidi, as the wife, I so feel your every word. We are in this together. Let’s pray that he finds another job that will help to bring more balance to his life. Is he reaching for a particular career goal?
Heidi- although the you wrote this over a year ago I’m just now reading. I wish I had read these blogs a couple years ago honestly! I haven’t even been married a year yet and my husband graduates culinary school this month- but has been working the hours and doing the time for three years. We don’t have kids- but the comment you made about after hours really hit home with me. It’s been the biggest conflict of our marriage thus far and while I can deal with the long hours, every night I wonder when he actually clocked out. It’s created a lot of distrust on my part because he just doesn’t get it. Wondering if you have any advice :/
I find both of these articles vy true. I am always on the chef side of these statements for about 15 years now.
Now I find myself on the other side of things. I have been out of work for 3 months due to a stove exploding in front of me. My wife works at a busy lodge as a server a very good server she is. But being stuck at home I find myself dealing with the issues on the other side of the coin.it is very sobering to experience.
I am sorry for your injury and wish for you a speedy and complete recovery. It is incredibly rough for us as chef spouses, so I hope you hug your dear wife a little tighter and talk to her in gentle tones in appreciation of what it takes to be on the other side.
I don’t know why it took me so long to research any of this. But since I was 18 years old I got involved with my boyfriend who has since climbed the ladder and has been the general manager at a couple of restaurants . I was going through grad school and he was putting in all kinds of long hours. We finally got to the point where marriage was well overdue yet neither one of us could make that commitment because of what I believe were scars resulting from the challenges his job presented to our relationship. After reading all of these entries I do believe there is a way to be happy in a marriage with someone you do not see often. But I also believe is that it takes a certain type of person to be able to make this work and it is very important to take a look at yourself and face yourself honestly in reflecting on whether this arrangement will allow for your happiness. What are your needs? Am I okay being on my own for most of the rest of my life. This man has been my life. And it’s brutal to imagine a life without him. But I am left wondering whether I am the type of person that can be happy married to A man that I will hardly ever see. And building a family and a life.
Very poignant questions for retrospection, Natalia. It is hard. Like so hard that sometimes you wonder if it is worth it. So you better be able to face yourself and him with the conviction that it may be a rather bumpy ride but it will also be exhilerating and exciting. But you MUST also be able to make peace with being single in a relationship. It’s like loving a wild animal- caging it would stifle it. And you should not have to sit and wait all the days of your life for your man to turn his key in the door. It’s a hard balance and one we always struggle with. But it helps to live your own FULL life without him. There are lots of pluses to not having a spouse breathing down your back all the time.
Oh my goodness! This is so true, I found myself crying reading it!!! Sometimes I forget that I am not the only chef’s wife in the world!!! I have to say, I LOVE my husband’s passion for his. Career! I love that he enjoys his job and even though it’s a tough life not just for me but our 5 young kids I am so thankful that he has a job he enjoys! I hear so many people complain about their jobs and one thing my husband doesn’t do is complain about his job! I love him with all my heart and yes it’s a tough life but I support him in his career choice and I honestly love watching his dreams come true!
We have been married 10 years, many many ups and downs and a lot more downs than ups BUT the ups out weigh the downs and get us through the tough times!
Comments like yours make me happy that I opened up about this part of my life. Thank you.
17 years in love with a passionate, obsessive, selfish chef. 3 kids, ages 15, 11 and 9. I totally agree with all you’ve said in both articles. It’s good to know I’m not as alone as I feel… No 3 is so very true . On top of impulsive job changes, etc.. A horrific accident 6 years ago left our beautiful little girl with severe brain damage. It’s been a long and lonely road since then.. Unbelievable that I’m still with him. I’d probably have left if I wasn’t so damn tired and could find the time to pack!!
You know, love is everything. I feel you and I know where you are coming from. You are not alone and you are the anchor for your children and husband. Your role is a profound one and in between the exhaustion and loneliness, give yourself permission to feel the intense joy that your life has been blessed with. And when you cannot, your amazing sense of humour and a glass of wine will do the rest!
God is good and always on time….smh I cried as I read these articles . Thank you for opening up this part of your life as you stated earlier. I truly needed to make sure I wasn’t alone- I used to be a Pastry Chef! I met my husband on my internship. I now work in healthcare since I’ve been married -8yrs. Our marriage has been just as you said it would be and yes some friends don’t understand but I’m going to let my friends read these articles! There are days my husband and I cannot make love because he’s sore and tired or even before work shame to say smh. Is this normal? I cried a lot today…and we are trying for another baby. Some days are mentally exausting dealing with him being gone but thank God…..I’ve found another comfort- knowing I’m not alone. I didn’t realize how much time we spent apart when we were both working as Chefs when we were dating. I must say there is a different feel being married to a Chef when you are not.
Thank you for these articles and all those who made comments. I feel like I can breathe again.
What you are going through is very normal in a chef marriage. The job is a beast. And it takes a LOT out of chefs physically and emotionally so their banks become empty by the time they reach home. If you would like some coaching to help you through, you can indicate your interest via http://www.chefandsteward.com/coach and I would be happy to give you the first session FREE.
I needed to read this today. Iv engaged to my chef and we have a 2 year old son. I find myself feeling so alone some days and I’m definitely like a single parent. I question some days if I can marry into this life and continue like this and on a day like today I feel like I’m stuck. I love my chef and he is super passionate which is why I fell in love with him. I just hate this loneliness some days and I just wanna cry
Amy, it is definitely NOT an easy life by ANY means. You MUST have your own stuff going on and the ability to thrive in a situation where you parent and live most of your life solo. I have had to move closer to God in this life walk in order to maintain my own sanity. I would recommend an active church life as well so that your spiritual needs are completely fulfilled.